Posted by: whatkindofweekhasitbeen | April 25, 2011

25th April, 2011

According to Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles this was the week Skynet, the artificially intelligent computer system invented by the Terminator Universe’s answer to Declan Ganley, was supposed to become self-conscious. Someone as good looking as Lena Headey will do that, even to machines.

Even though I reckon Skynet actually became aware around the time my Gmail account asked me did I forget to add a document to my email because I had the word “attach” in the body of the text, and as such isn’t so much evil as creepily facile, there are still a couple of people with more publicity than sense that could do with a small bit of machine wrath to set them straight.

Most deserving of being robbed of their clothes, their boots and their motorcycle is Kevin Myers. In case you’re unfamiliar with his work, Kevin Myers was a man invented to make unemployed writers bewildered and bitter, as his sole purpose is to be as ridiculous a human being as he possibly can through the medium of print journalism in exchange for money. For example: this week he blamed feminism for making children fat, introducing a society without consequence, breaking up The Beatles, the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, the rise and fall of Reginald Perrin, and the stampede that caused the death of Simba’s father. Myers has long made a career out of being quite mad, but across the water there’s a man so mad he thinks he can become President: Trump be thy name.

As eccentric billionaires go, Trump isn’t exactly a classic case. Instead of challenging hobos to a duel or racing round the world in a bi-plane made of chocolate like they would at the turn of the 20th century, Trump makes a TV show involving well-qualified idiots scramble for his munificence and claims the current President isn’t really an American because nobody from his elementary school can remember him. That’s right, The Donald is a birther, proof if it were still needed that intelligence and a level head are sometimes obstacles to becoming insanely rich. And of course, such a cake of madness wouldn’t be complete without a nice layer of hypocrisy icing on top: Donald Trump doesn’t have his own birth cert either, just an unofficial letter from the hospital. Man, that is some good madness cake.

Not to be out done though in the field of bonkers food, Kellogg’s have taken complete leave of their senses by replacing the much loved cereal mascot Coco The Monkey after just shy of 50 years of flogging their chocolatey gubbins. Replacing such a much-loved mascot is a hard job to do, so naturally Kellogg’s replaced him with Jedward. Jedward. They’re replacing a cartoon monkey with two Skittles addicts from west Dublin. My powers as a satirist have no jurisdiction here.

Mercifully enough Canada has similar lack of jurisdiction over my writing, otherwise they’d throw me ever so politely into one of their pristine clinks. In a bid to stop early results from Nova Scotia affecting actual voting in British Columbia, Elections Canada have dusted off a law from the 1930’s forbidding social networkers from tweeting election gossip until all district polls close, under pain of jail. Turns out even Canadians have the capacity to be buzzkills.

If The Machines ever do attempt to usurp us, they’d probably be frightened off by a race so illogical that they let people like Myers, Trump, Canadian election officials or anyone who’ve ever asked Jedward to do something publically into positions of authority. But there is at least one man who can put the world to rights: The Terminator himself.

Turns out Arnold Schwarzenegger’s staffers, who have an impeccable sense of timing if nothing else, are talking up his chances of becoming President of the EU Council, which would be…interesting. I’d love to see Nigel Farage taking him on in the parliament chamber in Strasbourg like he did with Herman Van Rompuy, and I’d love to see the ensuing melee even more. For this reason alone, I for one welcome our new part-robot Austrian overlords.


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