Posted by: whatkindofweekhasitbeen | April 23, 2012

Ward are ye like? Guest columnist Kevin Ward

Houses, houses everywhere, but not one to live in

This, I imagine, would have been a terrible week for a water-wasting, owner of multiple properties but in massive arrears on The Family Home member of the Bahraini royal family who fornicates with Dannii (sic) Minogue. So that’s millions of us. We are the 99%. But it’s been a better week for members of Sinn Féin, the United I’m Agin’ It Alliance and purveyors of pop-up tents in the leafy Killiney area. ‘Leafy’, the most annoying code word for ‘here be rich folk’ ever? ‘Leafy’ denotes nothing, lads. I could live in the forest off nuts, berries and squirrel carrion and my environs could be described as such. That’s journalism almost as lazy as rushing to hit ‘Post’ without bothering to find out whether the couple you’ve devoted a keening article to have any other assets, knowledge of which that would be germane to the public interest.

We all partied, didn’t we? Every man jack of us had more houses than a Monopoly box; sure didn’t we get sick of the sight of each other on the flights to Bulgaria to buy up MOAR PROPERTEES? This adult Pokémon came back to bite a well-heeled (another dumb wealth denotation phrase) couple on the backside this week, when Bernard and Asta Kelly were unceremoniously given the heave-ho from their five-bedroom family home in Killiney, on foot of a court order, the Kellys having offered nowt by way of repayments on their €2.2m mortgage for a few years. Not that this information was in the public domain when the emotive video of the eviction was being disseminated widely, nor were we told about their myriad other properties. The first thing that must be said about the video, with its Hindenburg-level commentary, is that it is accidentally achingly funny. “Oh, Gords, please intervene! Get away from moi corr, you’re trespassing!” – It would take a heart of stone not to laugh. Add in some roundy-man bailiff action, choice language and a wheelie-bin counter-attack by Mr Kelly, you’ve got something to treasure.

It would take some sort of sociopath not to feel a degree of sympathy for a couple getting on in years who find themselves removed from their home, but the compassion level is bound to fall when you find out the Kelly’s own twenty-odd other properties, at least one of which they could have arranged to move into, ahead of a court ruling. But the soi-disant Gandhi Kelly was having none of this. Despite running a PR campaign to highlight the injustice did to him, he went on to tell media organisations that his personal finances were his own business. And to compare himself to evicted tenant farmers in the 1860s. You’re the freakin’ landlord here, brains! I would bloody love to be a tenant in one of his properties, “You want the rent that’s owed to you? Why, those are the tactics of Captain Boycott himself! Be off with you, scapegrace blackguard!” And if he evicted me I could move into his tent with him. Occupy Dame Street would go on to express misplaced solidarity, laughs would be had, faces would be palmed.

Poor the Big Phil Hogan. Having received much of the credit for Enda Kenny’s clinging to the Fine Gael leadership and subsequent assuming of the mantle of Taoiseach, he is now the appointed lightening rod for public ire, fighting to keep his head above metered water. The government is being told by the Troika to take in money from all angles, so we’ll be paying for water and paying silly money for the means of measuring water usage. I’m sure Hogan would love to point out that we’re spending billions more than we’re taking in through tax, so paying for resources is a fait accompli. And possibly to stick his tongue between his bottom row of teeth and mouth making an “ugghhhhh” sound. But he can’t, so Sinn Féin and the ULA continue to have a field day without ever having to offer up an alternative to balancing the books. Oh, sure, we can take the Corrib gas field off Shell, that won’t mark us out as a banana republic at all! And I’m sure they’ll wan re-paying for what they’ve already spent. Then we’ve got to dismantle all their onshore work, as we’re doing it all at sea. Fracking’s out too, because the water totally came out of the tap on fire in that video. Our Big Phil is just like Big Phil Scolari, welcomed into Chelsea on a sea on palms, having to skulk away not long after. But crucially, he’s taking the heat away from Enda Kenny. Who needs Secret Service agents when you’ve Phil?

Government back-benchers; Fed up of being on the sidelines? Why not use some archaic, morally-loaded terminology in a debate? Sure worked for Michelle Mulherin, who pointed to fornication as the leading cause of unwanted pregnancy in Ireland in a debate on whether our parliament should finally legislate for the legalization of abortion when the mother’s life is in danger. What one has to do with the other, your guess is as good as mine. I’d have thought that lack of adequate contraception was the main cause of unwanted pregnancy among both the married and unwed, but there you go. Is this the beginning of a nascent Oliver J Flanagan Youth wing in FG? Darren Scully hopes so.

I haven’t been able to think straight since I learned, via the medium of Hot Goss, that Dannii (sic) Minogue may not have been co-opted onto The X-Factor judging panel for her music insights. To think of the tears in my eyes as I watched her being sworn in by Chief Justice Roberts, the hope we all held for the world… Hang on a minute; she’s a pretty face that Simon Cowell desired, so he gave her a job on a trifling TV show with a suspicious amount of recently-dead parents of competitors. It didn’t (or shouldn’t) follow that she had to have a steamy love affair with him. A nice thank-you note is considered proper, I believe.

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